From the desire of dying to the strong will to live 從死亡的慾望到強烈的生存意志
I experienced first-hand why dying can be a desire, but I have always been so scared about the fact that I will have to die one day since I was a kid. I remember earlier in 2016, the news report that over 20 teenagers of secondary education age managed to commit suicide; I used to think that they were just so successful and brave, and I should crown them. Like a therapist who I once saw, she seemed to have asked me a profound question. She asked me why was it that my suicidal attempts were unsuccessful, and it was such a provocation when I heard the word, ‘unsuccessful’.
我以第一身經歷了為什麼死亡可以是一個願望，但我明明從小到大都一直很害怕終有一天會死的事實。 我記得在2016年初，新聞報導說有20多名中學年齡的青少年自殺了; 我以前認為他們多麼成功和勇敢，我應該要好好給他們加冕。 想起一位我曾經看過的治療師，她問了我一個深刻的問題。 她問我為什麼我的自殺沒有成功，而當我聽到「沒有成功」這幾個字，我覺得這是她給的一個挑釁。
The fact that people like us longed for death must be that we are sick, so sick that we don’t even fear death. However, individual differences are so great among people like us, by saying that I mean, the reasons that encourage mentally ill people to die won’t be the same from one person to the other. Like some of my religious friends who have a mission to share the Gospel, by staying alive, I will do my best to explain those emotional symptoms about this illness if someone wants to know about them.
像我這樣渴望死亡的人一定是生病了，生病到我們甚至不怕死亡。 但是，像我們這樣的人都每個人是獨立的個體，之間差異好大，我的意思是，鼓勵精神病患者尋找死亡的原因，從一個人到另一個人都是不一樣的。 像我的一些朋友，因為他們的宗教背景，他們有份使命感分享福音，所以就我說的話，還活著的我就會盡我所能解釋這種情緒病的症狀給想知道的人們聽。
Alternatively, if I get to meet someone who lectures me about why I don’t even have any grounds to ‘get emotional’ and read me in contempt for not able to be grateful for my existence, I can simply tell the person that he/she better pays a great deal of attention about what this prejudiced if not discriminative statement. Feel free to gossip about me behind my back, but accusing me right in my face could provoke me who is not a generous person to escalate my claim, to spread the words around that this person is a total busta*d/bit*h, or get mad to report him/her to the Hong Kong Equal Opportunities Commission if the person happens to be my boss (as if I care if my boss wanna fire me before I get my complaint through.)
或者，如果我遇到某人教訓我說我甚至沒有任何理由去「玩弄情緒」和對我不能感謝我的存在而帶著蔑視的態度的話，我可以簡單地告訴該人，他/ 她最好小心點去傳譯這種偏見（如果不是就是歧視）的說法。 大家當然可以自由地背著我說我八卦啦，但在我的面前去指責我可能會挑釁我，先說明，我不是一個慷慨的人，所以我可能會提升我的回應，我去到處傳遍這個人是一個死八公／死八婆， 或者如果這個人恰好是我的老闆，我可能會生氣地走去香港平等機會委員會投訴（我懶理老闆會不會在我投訴成功前已經把我解僱）。
Am I qualified for the right to live and other rights that I may enjoy like everyone else 我可以像其他人一樣，有資格去有享受生活其他的權利嗎
I breathe in and out daily, I don’t do great stuff for the world, strictly speaking I am not morally upright, but at least I am a law-abiding citizen. From time to time, I still feel that everything is too hard to achieve, all is too unbearable to take, and I really regret that for a period of time I have given up on myself and have done things that were unwise for reasons and people which and who are in no means worthy for my acts of self-punishment. It is still shocking to recall today that I have punished myself in the past few months in those irrational and heart-breaking ways.
我每天呼氣吸氣，並未能為世界做偉大的事，嚴格地說，我不是一個道德高尚的人，但至少我是一個奉公守法的公民。 有時，我仍然覺得一切都太難以實現，所有都太難以忍受，我真的有很多遺憾，而有一段時間，我已經放棄了自己，為不值得的理由和人 ，做了一些不明智的事，自我懲罰的行為。 今天仍然令我震驚的是，我在過去幾個月竟以不合理和令我心碎的方式在懲罰自己。
To think about it, I wouldn’t question myself why was it that I should punish myself, for I thought if I don’t do it myself, God would do it on me anyways. However, I can actually recall that three friends have already told me that rather, they wanted to emphasise to me that I should not punish myself for things that I have done or people who have treated me badly. I repent a lot, I still feel like I am cursed with punishment that would last for life and I still have the tendency to harm myself at least mentally, and this is one thing I need to do something about it. Honestly, at this second, I still feel that I am cursed.
好好想想，我不會質疑自己為什麼我之前應該懲罰自己，因為我想如果我不自己這樣做，上帝也會對我作出懲罰。 但是，我其實還記得有三個朋友已經告訴我，想強調，我不應該為我自己做過的事或者對待我不好的人而去懲罰自己。 我以前懺悔了很多，現在，我仍然覺得我有被詛咒的懲罰，將持續被詛咒，我仍然有至少在精神上傷害自己的傾向，這是一個我需要自救的事情吧。 老實說，在這秒，我仍然覺得我被詛咒。
I regularly fail my expectations. I am an extreme perfectionist or just very critical basically. Then my parents said to me, just by the identity that I am their one and only child, I shall live. I begin to see how not just Saints like Mother Teresa, Nobel price winners may enjoy their right to life, but so do I, even I am like ash in the world, who is so trivial. To be honest, I don’t know how I have a kind of Nazi-like mindset which I have put on myself since I was a kid. I believed that if I cannot excel to live up to those high standards of social expectations, I may then end my life. Maybe I can put it this way: if tiny little animals can exist and live, so do I, as a very ordinary human being. Or even I am regarded as a piece of rubbish, I am a walking rubbish so I am sorry to disappoint people who hate me, I don’t really want to live in landfill yet.
我經常不能達到我的期望。 我是一個極端的完美主義者，或基本上，只是非常挑剔。 然後我的父母對我說，只是通過我是他們的唯一的孩子身份，我應生存的。 我開始看到，不僅聖徒像德蘭修女，諾貝爾獎得主們才可以享受生命的權利，即使我像世界上的灰塵，那麼瑣碎，我都可以被允許生存。 說實話，我不知道我為什麼有類似納粹的心態，我從小就是這樣。 我相信，如果我不能超越自己去做到那些社會所定的高標準期望，我就可能會結束我的生命。 也許我可以這樣說：如果小小的動物可以存在和生活，那麼，作為一個非常普通的人， 或者甚至我視我為一件垃圾，我也是一個會行走的垃圾，所以我很抱歉，恨我的人要失望了，我真的不想住在垃圾堆填區。
Does my life bear any meanings to other human beings 我的生命對其他人有什麼意義
Maybe I am shallow or maybe my mindset is simply problematic, I have been in serious thought about whether anyone may need me. I re-consider relationships with people who have already been in my life even before 2016, people who no longer appear in my life, the new people that I have met this year. The first thing that comes to my mind is that I just can’t quite believe how much had happened to me throughout this year, and only I know how much each and every thing haunted me or casted light on me, and I think about those people who were related to the incidents that had occurred in 2016.
也許我很膚淺，或者我的心態就是有問題，我一直在認真考慮是否有人可能需要我。 我重新考慮到那些即在2016年之前就已經在我的生活中的人，不再出現在我的生活中的人，我今年新遇到的人。 我想到的第一件事是，我不能相信我在今年發生了這麼多的事，只有我知道每一件事情都有多少的困擾我，或照亮了我，我就想想那些與2016年發生的事件有關的人。
To my family members and friends who have already been in my life before 2016, I am once again grateful for those who did not escape from me(since they had this choice even I would not justify them doing so). I still can’t quite put down the grudge against those who treated me badly, or shall I say, those who reacted unexpectedly. I have always want to be a lovely and helpful person, but I know I have failed doing this for countless times this year. Repeating and admitting that I may not be a very generous person, I am still outraged and shivered by the cruel reality where people stopped contacting me, or giving me harsh words, running away from me in their own means, from which I guess, this is because a mentally ill person like me must be both annoying and scary to them.
對於已經在2016年之前就出現了的我的家人和朋友們，我再次感謝沒有逃離我的他們（即使我不會想他們這樣做，他們都是有這個選擇）。 我仍然不能把那些對待我不好的人的怨恨，或者我會說，那些讓我有意外反應的人原全原諒。 我一直想成為一個可人兒和可幫助人的人，但我知道我今年在這範疇上無數次失敗。 重複去承認我不是一個非常慷慨的人，我仍然憤怒和感到顫抖，現實好殘酷，人們停止與我聯繫了，或給我說能接受的話，用他們自己的方式逃離我，我猜，這是因為像我這樣的精神病患者，令對他們感到既煩人又害怕。
I am still in the habit of criticising myself regularly, so I ask, why people became frightened of me or abandoned me, even we have known each other for some time already? Apparently, I mean nothing, or worse, I mean obstacles to them. Every time by thinking about this, I think I only know how to cry as my ultimate response. One more task to be accomplish for 2017: not to please people who I discover to be jerks.
我仍然習慣經常批評我自己的，所以我問，我們已經相識了一段時間了，為什麼還害怕我或放棄我，呢？ 顯然，我對他們沒有甚麼意義，或更糟，我是他們的障礙物。 每次想到這一點，我想我只知道如何哭泣是我的最終反應。 2017年要完成的另一個任務：不用去讓這些PK喜歡我了。
There are surprisingly some people who are new-comers to my life this year but seem to be chilled about my condition; of course, quite a lot of them don’t even know I am ill but as as adults, we are polite to each other and uphold our manner. For those who know I am ‘crazy’, they either don’t feel much about it, or they tried to show some concern about my mental health, with the usual suggestion that perhaps I should not start my life alone abroad so soon. With some of them, it was surprising that they could somehow relate to me partly.
有令人驚訝的是，一些今年是我生活裡的新來者，似乎對我的情況感到沒甚麼大不了; 當然，他們甚至不知道我有病，但作為成年人，我們堅持彼此禮貌相待。 對於那些知道我「很瘋狂」的人，他們不太感到甚麼，或者他們試圖對我的心理健康表示關注，通常都會建議說，也許我不應該再在國外開始我的生活。 有些人，驚訝的是，他們可能在某種程度上可以理解我。
I come to remember a friend who I know at around the age of 10 who after knowing about my sickness said in a very light tone, in fact, there are always people who can withstand my episodic emotional breakdowns. Maybe in 2017, it is about choosing the right people to hang out with.
我記得一個在大約10歲時認識的朋友以一種非常輕鬆的語調說，事實上，總是有人能夠抵擋我情緒崩潰的時候。 也許在2017年，我要選擇合適的人去一起多多相處就對了。
It feels particularly good that I have meaning to people, such as being a volunteer. I used to believe that volunteering is an activity for the rich, for poor and busy people like me won’t have the time and the willingness for this. A volunteer won’t save the world or save a country, neither will her make a big difference to a person’s life. There is one good thing that I have learnt in 2016 which I must mention: the idea that a little help is better than nothing, together with the idea that it is always better to give than to receive.
想到我對別人有意義的感覺特別好，就比如說去做義工。 我以前相信志願活動是富人的活動，因為像我這樣的窮人和忙碌的人不會有時間和意願去做義工。義工不會拯救世界或拯救一個國家，也不會對一個人的生活產生巨大的影響。 但我在2016年學到了一樣我必須提到的東西：一個小幫助比什麼都沒有更好，施予也永遠比接受好。
I also once said something which I found myself having made a very clever statement to a girl who I used to go to the same church with. I said, I believe no one human on this Earth worths another to give up his own life for that person, in my very personal and religious view. It is a secret but I might as well disclose it, I thought about dying for other people to give them a better life and let me carry all the pain.
我曾經說過一些話，是我自己對一個我在過去和我去同一個教會的女孩啟發我的一個非常聰明的聲明。就在我個人和宗教的觀點來上，我說，我相信在這個地球上，沒有一個人值得要另一個人為對方放棄自己的生命。 這是一個秘密，但我就披露它好了，我以前想為其他人死來給他們更好的生活，所有的痛苦就到給我好了。
I know I have already written a lot. The real problem lies in me: I can’t stop looking down on myself, discriminating myself. It may sound easy to many people to do that, but not me. Probably this shall be my 2017 new year resolution.
我知道我已經寫了很多。 真正的問題在於我：我不能停止看不起自己，歧視自己。對許多人來說，聽起來這事情很容易做，但對我來說可不是。 這可能是我2017年的目標。