It was Monday that I just saw my psychiatrist and my problems remain complex and unresolved. I asked him if he could utilise his medical talent to make me heal sooner, of course he said he couldn’t do that. Didn’t he promise me one year would be sufficient to get me all healed? I remember I even noted this in my old post, ‘Seeing a psychiatrist 看精神科醫生‘.
週一，我去看了我的精神科醫生，我的問題仍然複雜和未解決。我問他，如果他能利用他的醫學才能，使我更快地康復就好了，當然他說他沒能力這樣做。他不是答應我一年就足以讓我到完全康復嗎？我還記得我在我的舊文章「Seeing a psychiatrist 看精神科醫生」中提及過這一點。
How would you react if you were me, being told that actually by the end of this year I might still not be completely cured, but your psychiatrist who had been seeing you for half a year already said that since you were already better, you could go back to your life abroad without seeing him on a regular basis, and strangely enough, you would survive? So I told him to stop playing evil at me, and my common sense says not being cured but still got told that I’m able to live alone abroad, is just totally nonsense. He said things don’t always turn out to be explainable, and I am a difficult case to deal with. I got a bit mad, and questioned him if I made it into the most 10 or 20 difficult patients to deal with list yet, and he said no, but told me this did not make me a simple case to treat. Ok, I managed to stay calm and talked slowly and softly, but it was in no way to be described as a merry meeting. I ended up asking him, was he fooling me around without acting on my best interest, and hadn’t I been a very cooperative patient since the very beginning?
如果你是我，你會如何反應？ 我被告知實際上，在今年年底我可能仍然無法完全好起來，但是你的醫生都看了自己有已經說半年了，他說，因為你已經比之前好，你可以回到國外去生活，雖然不能定期覆診，但奇怪的是，你會生存下來？所以我告訴他，不要和我玩醫生你像是扮作壞人的角色遊戲，我的常識告訴我，沒有被治愈好，但仍然有能力能夠在國外獨自生活，這是無稽之談吧。他說，事情並不總是可以好好解釋的，我是一個給他困難去醫治的病人。我有點生氣，於是我問，如果有一個10大或是20大的難醫病人名單，我有上榜了嗎？他說沒有，但他告訴我這並沒有讓我可說成為一個可以簡單治愈好的病人來對待。好吧，我設法保持冷靜，慢慢地，輕輕地和他交談，但是沒有辦法說這次會談可被描述成一個快樂的見面。最後我問他，是他在耍我，沒站於我的最佳利益上作出治療嗎？但我明明打從一開始就做個很合作的患者呀！
I read a little about ‘borderline personality disorder’ (BPD). This kind of people want to stay safe in a way that they want to reject interacting with others, so that they will not have the possibility to experience heart-broken or any painful feelings mentally – they are afraid of being abandoned. I am afraid of being abandoned too, especially since not so long ago I have become so negative about romance. With no doubt, the fear of being abandoned by those who are blood-related to me is doubled that of the fear of being dumped by a particular person.
我閱讀了一些關於「邊緣型人格障礙」（BPD）的刊物。這種人希望保障自己的心理安全，所以他們拒絕與他人互動，使他們不會有去體驗心碎或任何痛苦的感情的這個可能性 – 他們害怕被拋棄。我也好害怕被拋棄，尤其是因為就在不久前，我就開始對愛情感到很負面。毫無疑問，若是有血緣關係的人拋棄我，這份恐懼就比由一個特定的人棄置加倍可怕。
Sometimes I have some unreasonable thoughts about abandonment, let’s say, we tell pet-owners not to abandon their pets but to take care their pets for life, right? However, the act of mental abandonment of one human by another human dose not even require a proper justification, at least for the majority of time.
有時候，我不由自主的，對一些有關被拋棄的心情有著不合理的想法。比方說，我們告訴養寵物的主人不能放棄他們的寵物，要照顧自己的寵物到老死，對不對？然而，一個人於心理層面上放棄另一個人，這樣的行為，至少在大部分時間，卻不需要一個正當理由就能發生。
To be honest, I find out I need to decide for myself, because I find my psychiatrist speaking of stuff that I don’t see as logical or for my best interest, and I ought to reach for a more complex life. Simplicity is beautiful, but in practice, it cannot last forever, for I need more income, more self-satisfaction from studies and work, although kids have always lightened up my negative world over these past few months.
說實話，我發現我需要自己為我自己做決定了，因為我發現我的醫生說的話，我都覺得沒有邏輯或在我的最佳利益出發，而我覺得自己應該過一個更複雜的生活去。簡單是美麗的，但不可能永遠持續地實踐下去，因為我需要更多的收入，上學和工作才可給我更多的自我滿足感，雖然在這過去的幾個月，孩子們一直照亮了我負面的世界。
Not to go into extreme thoughts, I come to think of my friend, who has once suggested that I could have begun to write something that I am looking forward to in the future in my post, and he is right as this shall give me hope. Those who are close to me may be already sensing what I am getting at by this moment: I could have listened to my parents to quit my master degree, not returning to university to finish it off, then I can live a simpler life, so basically a life that should be close to my current state. I can remain as an English tutor teaching kiddy level English, and as a helper for those kids at my volunteering place. Another friend of mine also said to me one morning that she thinks I am living such an enriching life in having these regular activities: I have a part-time teaching job, I dance and do other physical exercises, I see loved ones frequently, I volunteer.
避免進入極端的想法，我想起我某朋友曾建議，我其實可以在我的部落客開始寫自己期待著在未來的東西，而他是對的，因為這會給予我希望。和我親密的人可能在這個時刻已經感覺到我想寫什麼：我可以聽我的父母話，放棄去念我的碩士學位，不要回到大學去念它，那麼我可以過著簡單的生活，所以基本上是一個接近我當前狀態的生活吧。我可以繼續作為一個英語老師教小孩子屬於他們的英語水平，並為那些在我義工服務所遇到的孩子繼續做幫手的工作。另一個朋友有天早上跟我說，她認為我的生活是如此的充實，因為我有這些常規活動：我有一個兼職的教學工作，我跳舞和做其他體能鍛煉，我頻繁去與我喜歡的人們碰面，我參與義工工作。
Most people who I am close with tell me to avoid the opposite complex life, the one of which may be my genuine life-long profession – yes, I am talking about law. Having always been a workaholic student since I was a kid, shouldn’t I strive to become a qualified lawyer? Now that other English tutors and even one of my 2 bosses at my workplace know a little about my mental issues, I am glad that they did not opt for discrimination against me, or maybe it is because I am over qualified and they want me to stay? They have told parents that they had a law graduate teaching English, I guess my degree kind of protects me from any possible nasty comments spilling out of their mouths. My current colleagues suggested to me that maybe I should stop being so ambitious in terms of my career perspective. They know that I am still in greed for a lawyer qualification, and I have never hidden my intention of quitting this part-time teaching job by the end of this year, so that I can go back to complete my master. So let’s imagine if I choose the more complex life, which means, I accept a future of getting inhuman long working hours, be part of the office politics of a law firm, and for sure no time for that many exercises or volunteering.
大多數和我親近的人們勸喻我去避開過複雜的生活，又談可能是我真正的終身職業的時候了- 是的，我說的是法律工作。由於由還是個孩子的我自有了學生時代已一直是個工作狂，我不是應該努力成為一個執業律師嗎？現在在我工作的地方，其他的英語教師，和我的其中一個老闆都我的心理問題有了一些了解吧，我很慶幸沒有被歧視，也許這是因為我其實學歷上過了他們需求，他們想要我留下來為他們工作吧！他們告訴家長，他們有一個法律學畢業生教英語，我想是我的學位保護了我，所以才沒有甚麼討厭的意見從他們的嘴巴濺出。我現在的同事向我建議，也許我應該在看職業的角度上不要太雄心勃勃。他們知道，我仍然在貪婪那律師資格，而且我從來沒有隱瞞過我在今年年底就會辭職的打算，這樣我就可以回去完成我的碩士。就想像一下，如果我選擇了更為複雜的生活，這意味著，我的未來要接受越來越不人道的長工作時間，成為一家律師事務所的辦公室政治的一部分，肯定沒有時間去做運動或義工服務了。
All those who love me dearly almost simultaneously expressed the same view: by choosing the latter, just by taking that first step to return to university, I already put myself at risk as this could bring me towards a future relapse, not to mention the worst where I may be putting my life at stake if I lose self-control and want to the seek suicide, triggered by academic or work related pressure, and I would be all by myself. Maybe people would ask me to seek advice from my psychiatrist, but over these last few weeks, I just could not come to any agreements with him except we both insist on going back for master studies, so I think I will confirm my return for now. Not sure was it his so-called sense of humour, he said I have pretty good survival ability and so I will live being on my own again. Ok, we shall see.
所有疼我的人幾乎同時表達了同樣的觀點：只要我一採取了第一個步驟，就是返回到學校，我已經把自己處於危險之中，因為這可以帶給我走向未來的復發機會，最差的就會是把我的生命放於危在旦夕的情況了；就是說，如果我失去了自我控制，我自殺去，而學業或工作可能會觸發我的復發吧，我還將會只有我自己一個人呢。也許人們會問我，向我的醫生尋求建議吧，但對於這過去的幾個星期，我跟本就不能和他達成任何協議，除了我們都堅持要回去念碩士，所以現在，我想我會確認我的回去好了。不知道是不是他那所謂的幽默感，他說我有很好的生存能力，所以我一個人也會能夠好好過活。好吧，大家不妨拭目以待。
I am so blessed that people express their concern about my mental health out of good will, but the blessed me has to face difficulties in the end anyways: being a mentally sick person dose not justify myself from refraining to arrive at a harder career goal. My depression and bipolar have taught me the essence of patience, since I have been unable to control my thoughts at all since the end of 2015 till May 2016. From time to time I still went for some insane actions, and the excitement of self-harming could almost be described as enjoyable; now, I know I don’t succeed my postgraduate studies at the first attempt, I just have to keep trying till I get to that stage.
幸福的我有人們出於善意地跟我表達了他們對我的精神健康的擔憂，但幸福的我於最後還是得面對困難的：作為一個精神病人不是讓自己去合理化我就因為有病就不能去追求困難的職業目標。從2015年底至2016年5月，因為我一直無法控制好我的思緒，我的抑鬱症和狂躁症就教會了我忍耐的精髓。我還是會時不時去做了一些瘋狂的動作，那自殘的快感可真教我享受; 現在，我知道我不會在第一次嘗試找能成功念完我的碩士生課程，我只可以繼續試下去，直到我到達那個位置。
Is this called stubbornness? I only know that up to this second, I will try to be as determined as possible, to choose complexity over simplicity. In other words, yes, I am going back to university for January 2017.
是我固執嗎？我只知道到在這一秒，我會盡量的維持我的決心，去選過複雜而非簡單的生活。換句話說，是的，我要於2017年一月回到大學。
Enough about me. Even I was suicidal, now I bother to push myself to encounter crazy hardship in life again, so can the mentally troubled kids and adults. If you suspect someone demonstrating traces of mental problems, get them to find a psychiatrist please, for they would be cured. PM the Facebook page of my blog if you need more information. Just to say, however I am discontent with my psychiatrist, I have never ever let myself not go back to my appointments, and I have for every single time taken all my medicine on time.
有關我的都說夠了吧。即使我以前老是在自殺，現在我也可強迫自己再次去面對在生活中那些瘋狂的困難，所以其實其他精神上陷入困境的孩子和成人們都一樣可以吧。如果你懷疑身邊有人表現出精神問題的痕跡，讓他們找精神科醫生，因為他們將被治愈。如果你需要更多的資訊，PM我博客的Facebook專頁。也說說好了，我很不滿我的醫生，但我從未讓自己不去覆診，每一次都準時服藥。
原刊於此。